Friday, March 30, 2007

Darwin Din't Get No Beaver

First off, I apologize for my photo editing skills in advance.

Secondly, why is it that wacky guys in cartoons are always named Larry or Ralph?

Finally, I don't get it? Who wants a big hairy beaver for their birthday?

Sheer Profundity?

I know when I said, "finally" you'da (uh-oh there goes the grammar rodeo) hoped I'd just stop there. Alas I am very far from done.

Anyone who knows me knows that it's very hard for me to stay on point. They think I am just stupid or that I was probably dropped on my head while smoking a bong as a child.

They are only half right...

And in my opinion, Darwin's theory of evolution is probably only half right at best. No, I am not a creationist although I have been known to begatting down from time to time. No, it's because I don't think that humans are highly evolved. Who cares whether or not we came from apes, monkeys or chimps? How does that help us out today? Through natural selection humans have developed an opposable thumb and this makes us superior to monkeys? Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know we can talk. Christopher Walken in The Prophecy referred to man as talking monkeys. We wish... and monkeys everywhere were offended. They can swing in trees with their feet for crying out loud! But that is not my biggest problem with Darwin or Evolution.

My main problem is with the beaver.

Have you ever read or seen anything about this animal? They basically can live on land and in the water for the love of God (or Darwin, no offense Mr. & Mrs. Evolution...which is by the way a pretty great band name but I digress)! I can grip a hammer and hold a pen...they can cut down trees with their teeth! I'm sorry but they are far superior to humans and yet Darwin chose humans as his focus group. Talk about solipsism...Why do you think we give Beavers names like Bucky? It's because deep down inside we are all anti-evolutionites. We all know inside our highly evolved domes that regardless of whether God did it to us or our environment moved us precariously along towards our current state. We's sure did gets the short end of the stick so's tah' speak. The stick that a beaver makes far more productive use of than humans can and at a lower cost.

When people want to do construction, they go before zoning commissions and beg for variances that will allow for their precious structures to be built. When beavers want to build crap they just gnaw on some trees, knock shit down, slop mud on it and call it home. They don't care who's on the town council and they certainly don't send the mayor's wife a coupon for a free car wash. No, like Nike used to say, the beaver just do it. Beavers flood farmer's lands in this country more than American Idol sucks. Is Al Gore pissed about it? No, what can he do? They're freaking beavers and they do what they want when they want. Towns try to stop them by putting up barricades in front of sewage holes but beavers don't play. They usually find a way to get around these feebly archaic hindrances so they can build and grow their population. I don't know about you but just in case this global warming crap is true, my money would be on the beavers. I guarantee they get better odds in Vegas than man. Did I mention that they basically could live on land or in water? Meanwhile, some guy in Arkansas (or New Jersey) is picking his nose with his thumb, which is just a glorified finger.

Just one more thing on how I feel about beavers...

They rule.

Just one more thing on Darwin and evolution...

If beavers evolved from a lower species into their current awesomeness how come they don't get constantly compared to them? I mean how come we have to put up with being compared to monkeys who masturbate in public and fling poop while beavers just get to go around cutting down trees and screwing up our farmer's properties?'s because if evolution holds any truth it's that beavers are the superior species.

PS - I hate people who get all sad when whales beach themselves. They're just trying to eat you, moron. Ask a seal or a walrus and they'd tell you...I dares ya' to ask 'em.

PSS - To the creationists in the crowd, riddle me this...On the first day, God said, "Let there be light." But then He waited until like the fourth day to create the sun, the moon and the stars. What was the light He created? I'm not trying to be obnoxious...I seriously want to know what theologically you think He did...Did God create Jesus on that first day or did He just create the idea of Jesus' light? Without the sun, the moon and the stars would there even be light?

Until Next Time:



This post also appears over at The Aurora...a good place to go for Right Wingers like myself & a good place for Lefties (like the Overfloater who thinks that George W. Bush was involved with the September 11th attacks) to go for reprogramming.


Unruly Jets Fan said...

You actually had me laughing out loud a few times Mookster. I didnt know you were so to the right. That must be the mick in you (I'll use any excuse to call you a mick plus I love it that you don't know what kind of racial slur to throw my way). At any rate, very good blog.

As for the light that God created? That is a good question...riddle me this though, the Aztec Indians believe a whole different story about the beginning of all things. We just fucking killed them all and their delima was solved. Basically what is going to happen is in about 20 years Aliens will land on earth and let the cat out of the bag that the universe is a miniture diorama in the bed room of a 12 year old kid named Charlie. They will also tell us that Bush was involved in the 9/11 attacks so Figgy can say I told you so.

Anonymous said...

Funny blog Mooks, and I loved the blog fineprint at the end, hilarious. I enjoyed your comment as well Unruly.

I think the world may be a little more involved than a diorama though. It's probably like a videogame that Charlie is playing. He is witnessing what happened with the whole Isreal/Middle East thing and how it fucked up the world and how WW III will eventually start.

Speaking of, I saw a relatively fucked up movie last night, "Children of Men" It was okay. Some good action sequences, good original story. Clive Owen was good. Pretty depressing though, no matter how you look at it.

Anyway, who knows how this crazy world/humans got started. I like the part of evolution that made dogs go from crazy human eaters to loyal companions though.

Mookie McFly said...

UJF, I know I can call you a gulash eating sausage smoker...but I'm just too classy to say it.