Monday, October 22, 2007

Dying - what's the best way to go? Plus some other shit...

I'm not sure what the best way to die is, besides going in your sleep. But I figure there are a few other good ways to kick the bucket. I'm obviously not going to kill myself, so before Dateline finds this blog after they find my dead, decomposing bloated body in a Tiauana Whorehouse I just want to be clear that I would never kill myself.
Anyway, I don't know if I want to have a great death or (since it is close to Halloween) have the type of death when people are totally surprised and/or scared when they find my body. I think that a car crash may be okay, if it was quick. But I don't want to get stuck in the wreckage and die waiting for help to come. I certainly don't want to go over an overpass and live for a week and then die of starvation or something. That would blow. Although you never hear of people not finding cars that crash in New Jersey, so I'd probably be okay if that happened, assuming I didn't die in the crash.

I know I would not want to burn or drown, that would blow. I'm going to be doing enough burning in hell, so I don't need to get a preview while I'm alive.

Getting shot in the head would be easy enough, one to the dome, as they say. That would be great, because I would die instantly and it would be gross for whoever found my dead body. I wouldn't want to die by strangulation or hanging, because I hate when people touch my neck. I have this thing about my neck.

Getting struck by lightning would be fine, as long as I died right away, no living all burnt and shit, that would suck (see burning above).
Having my car go off a bridge would be sort of okay, but the fall would be scary, so that may suck. Plus, having seen several movies, I would still think that I would be able to live through it by jumping out of my open car door at the last second, which I don't think the laws of gravity would allow. As far as bridges go, I think you're totally dead if you fall off the GWB, but you may live if you tumble off the Veranzzano.
I wouldn't want to get stabbed, but if the wounds didn't hurt I wouldn't mind bleeding to death. Plus it would make for a gruesome discovery.
Drinking myself to death would be great in the beginning, but it would be hard work and a lot of vomiting and dry heaving throughout, so that would begin to suck. I like the whole idea of a Leaving Las Vegas death, but that shit wasn't easy. And I'm sure I wouldn't have Elizabeth Shue to bang as my final act. It would probably be me in a dirty alley choking on my own vomit from cheap whiskey or me in a hospital because some asshole good Samaritan saw me lying in a puddle of my own excrement and felt bad for me and had an ambulance pick me up.

Jesus, how else to people die, I'm not going to address natural means, because that's probably the way I'm going to die in real life, (I would bet on cancer) so that's boring.
Getting hit by a car (as a pedestrian, or in my case, jogger) would be okay as long as it killed me instantly. Seeing my body fly through the air would be both interesting and distressing for the passer-bys, so that is a pretty good way to go. A person would see my lifeless body slap back down on the concrete like a raw steak hitting a cutting board.
I definitely would NOT want to be eaten by wild animals or zombies. That would really blow.
I just wonder how it is going to happen. I can't decide whether or not I would want to know when I am going to die. Knowing that would totally change how I lived my life and what I focus on I think. I don't know. I think that if I knew I was going to die in 5 years, in 4 years I would buy a lot of guns, start robbing banks and settling old scores. That way I would only have to spend the last few months of my life in jail (and you bet your ass I would go to trial on everything to drag out the whole process, I would represent myself, etc. etc.). Why not? Make the government pay for me in my last year of life.
I guess the best way to go would be a gunshot wound to the head or getting hit by a car and dying instantly. Top 5 ways not to die:
1. Burning
2. Drowning
3. Eaten by wild animal or zombie
4. Getting strangled
5. Getting hacked up with a machete.
I added No. 5 at the last minute, but it is definitely true. Also, if I had to pick I think I would move No. 3 to at least No. 2. And No. 5 maybe No. 3 unless it happened quick.

My questions to you, the casual reader of this blog, are:

How do you want to die?
Would you want to know when you are going to die?

I figure nobody is reading this blog so I doubt any people will comment, but whatever.

OTHER MORE IMPORTANT SHIT:


I recently rented six movies (over the past month or so):

Reign On Me (or Reign Over Me?) - Adam Sandler, Don Cheadle - Sandler is a 9-11 widower (even his dog dies) when his family is on one of the planes that crashed, he goes a little nuts and reverts to child-like behavior like playing video games and collecting records and he amazingly knows how to remodel his kitchen even though he is a dentist by trade. Cheadle is his "college roomate" with his own issues with his wife - it was fucking awful and it had potential. Avoid it at all costs. Plus it's fucking long as hell. Sandler has some fucked up girlfriend at the end who is totally insane, Cheadle solves his problems with a 45 second conversation with his wife, and it is a complete waste of time. Sandler sounds retarded, even more so then he did in Waterboy (which I loved by the way). The music in it was good though. Grade: D-
Idiocracy - Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph, Michael Bolton from "Office Space" (no clue what his real name is - in this Mike Judge written story about how retarded (stupid) America gets in the future, Luke Wilson and Rudolph woke up from a few hundred years of a coma (Army experiment) and discover they are the smartest people in the world. It is pretty funny and it does a good job at making fun of how stupid American culture is getting (MTV is a prime example). My favorite part is that they water their crops with gatorade. Grade: B

We Are Marshall - Matt McCounghehy (sp), Matthew Fox, the hot Mara daughter - this movie is pretty much exactly what you would expect from something like this genre. It is very typical in depicting what happened to Marshall University after pretty much their whole team died in a plane crash and the aftermath but it is well told, it moved quickly and I'm a sucker for sports movies, so I liked it. It made me appreciate Chad Pennington more, even though he had nothing to do with that team. Grade: B+

Room 1408 - John Cusak, Samual Jackson - Cusak plays a writer who loses a kid to cancer and basically walks out on his wife and starts writing about the scariest places in America (those dumb guide books like "Weird NJ). He ends up going to Room 1408 in the Dolphin Hotel in NYC and stays (against Sam Jackson's wishes) in room 1408 where there had been 56 deaths in 95 years. Needless to say, the room is hell, and some of the best parts are when he sees his daughter again and the reunion doesn't go so well, as well as when he thinks he made it out of the room only to wake up in the room again. Pretty good. Pretty suspenseful, a few different endings are available on the DVD, which I never like, because it's like, the test audience decides what ending the masses should consume with the final product, but whatever. It was entertaining enough: Grade B-

Deathproof - Kurt Russell is a serial killer with his car. Quentin Taratino wrote and directed it, and it is too talkly for my liking, even though it is QT. Russell was pretty good, because he is nuts, and the girls are pretty hot. That being said, there really wasn't much to the movie, and I have no idea how Rosario Dawson turned into a psycho at the end when her character was lame in the beginning. But it was okay. Grade: C+

Planet Terror - Robert Rodriguez's zombie movie, Rose McGogwan and Freddie Rodriguez star, along with a few others, including Fig's boy Michael Beihn (of Terminator fame). I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, some fucked up parts (kid shoots himself in the head, gun control anyone?) and a dog gets needlessly run over with its blood splattering all over one of the female characters (obviously for effect only) but other than that it was definitely entertaining. I didn't like the "missing clip" part though, because a ton of shit happened during that gimmick, but I see why it was done (to make it seem like a movie from the 70s like it was trying to be). I didn't like Quentin's cameo either, he plays another rapist, which is fucking gross. I have no idea what is up with him and the raping (See From Dusk 'Til Dawn another Rodriguez flick). Either Roberto thinks Quentin is a great rapist, or he is just fucked up. Anyway, it had all the cheesy lines and the corny action that you want to see in a zombie action movie, and I even found myself laughing every once and a while. But I still don't know the dog had to get run over. Regardless, Rose is hot as hell, even with a machine gun for a leg. Grade: B+

Check her out from the movie (she starts out playing a stripper) ...

And from real life....


Her only problem is that she dated that fucking taco Marylin Manson, but then again, he is a fraud anyway, so I'm sure he's just like a normal rich guy on drugs underneath all that gay makeup.

Finally, my new favorite comedy TV show besides the Office - 30 Rock. You have to watch it. Alec Baldwin makes the show but Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan are pretty fucking funny too. In fact, the whole cast adds something to it. If you are even just a little bit strange you will enjoy it.

47 comments:

Unruly Jets Fan said...

Dude, I hate chicks who try to look like 1920's women. Is that hot to you? Or anybody?

Fakehead, I have to say you are pretty fucking funny I must say.

You turn a topic like death into something funny...even know it is clearly obvious to the reader that you are either considering suicide or wishing you were dead, no matter how many times you say you aren't.

I think the best way to die would be to fall off the edge of the Grand Canyon. That way you get a roller coaster thrill and then you fall asleep before you hit the ground. They know that because people who have done it before had said so. In fact, you should try it and then report it on this blog.

Anyhow, I think you are right about Manson. He is probably a total poser. He is probably washing his Mercedes right now.

In fact, when he takes his makeup off he is probably like some jack off. SOrry, I just love saying jack off so I had to say it.

fakedead said...

Your comment was hilarious, especially the part about how dead people tell others how jumping off the edge of the Grand Canyon feels. You are probably right, flying through the air, passing out, and waking up in hell wouldn't be too bad (except for the hell part).

Yeah, I hear you about the 20s thing, but I still think she is pretty hot, and let's face it, she's got a great pair of tits.

fake jackoff said...

By the way, I heard "jack off" is your favorite insult AND hobby. ha ha ha

Figgythemick said...

I've heard that drowning is very peaceful, actually. You only panic for half a second and then you are very calm, and it doesn't hurt.

My Dad's father killed himself when I was in high school, so I learned that suicide really hurts the people that love you, for one reason or another. Just the thought of my parents grief at my suicide is enough to prevent me from doing it, plus I have at least another 50 or so women to screw before I go.

As for how to go? Go out on a cloud, man. Have someone inject you with a shitton of morphine or heroin or something.

Who the fuck wants to be scared or feel pain? If you want to go out on a thrill, skydive without a parachute, garunteed you won't feel it.

At the end, I would like to see every person I somehow came through, until the beginning of humans, I would also like to psychically see what their lives and experiences were like, just before I slide into omniscience....

Figgythemick said...

Oh yeah, Faker, get a different job you are happier at, you are starting to scare people

fake alive said...

I like the heroin thing, as long as somebody doesn't try to bring me back to life after I OD. Interesting thoughts Figs.

I agree with you that suicide is rough and very selfish.

I guess I should have posted my movie reviews in a different blog, ha ha!

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